Always horny in Maidenhead n more

Added: Marguita Ambrosino - Date: 04.02.2022 13:24 - Views: 39337 - Clicks: 3860

Up until the sexual liberation of the s, you probably think our fuddy-duddy ancestors considered the epitome of raciness to be leaving their buckled shoes on during their annual 60 seconds of child creation. However, the truth is that men and women have been shamelessly horny lizards ever since the Stone Age. The only difference is that they expressed their amorousness in ways that today would be described as "insane" or "criminal.

In medieval times, sex was important business.

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And like any other business, it was rife with rules, regulations, and politics. A person couldn't even be considered legally married without having consummated the marriage, and failing to do the underpants dance was grounds for the marriage being annulled by the Catholic Church. Annulment was an act that could ruin noble reputations, so claiming that "marital dissatisfaction" was to blame for your marriage bed's lack of questionable stains wasn't going to cut it on its own. No, if your partner was lousy in bed, you had to prove it in a court of law, in front of judges, doctors, and anyone who got off work in time to come and watch.

Being summoned to a public trial to see if your junk still works sounds like a nightmare we've all had in high school, and a trip to penis court what we're calling it to appear in an impotence trial what it was actually called absolutely lived up to that expectation.

The embarrassment started with a woman's formal Always horny in Maidenhead n more about her husband's sleepy trouser snake, which everyone you knew was legally entitled to hear. Then, on the Always horny in Maidenhead n more of the trial, the husband's body had to be thoroughly examined by doctors and "experts" on the subject of sex, who would also ask questions like "Can you maintain an erection?

Gratian's Decretum. Failing these examinations left the man with only one desperate recourse: to demand a Trial by Congresswhich was a fancy way of saying "a 16th-Century bone show. Which is why every man was patted down for vials of bloodin case he tried to splash any on his wife and pretend he had roughly taken her maidenhead. Then the husband and wife -- who were decidedly not in a lovemaking mood -- went over to a bed which was brightly lit with a lot of candles, so that a team of surgeons and midwives could closely measure their body fluids to determine whether or not sex had been achieved.

The process could take up to two hours, but much less for those lucky few with a candle wax fetish. August Racinet. If the husband was successfully able to get a rage-driven shame boner, it granted him the immediate right to put his wife on blast. An anecdote from the case of Geronima Martinez de Texada v. Diego Belasco had the supervising surgeon confirm the wife's lost virginity by "swearing to Christ that she was more open than a funnel," which may be the blazingest burn ever dropped by a 17th-Century doctor.

However, if a man failed his Trial by Congress, it effectively ruined him. One famous example of things going horribly wrong in an impotence trial is detailed in the of a marquis who, despite having a wife who was known to enjoy taking the bone train to the ville du pounddecided to go to Penis Court to clear up the gossip surrounding his dick. Via thesmartset. By the s, these penis trials occurred so regularly that you could pretty much spend every Friday night watching some poor bastard struggle to impregnate his wife if you wanted to.

It was like their Jerry Springer. It was even a form of entertainment among the aristocracy in France, who would dress up, head out to an impotence trial, and place bets. This trendy pastime spread throughout most of Europe. In England, details of the whole trial would often be published in tabloids for entertainment.

Bibliotheque Nationale de France. Our cavemen ancestors didn't have a ton of time to devote to innovation, what with dying shortly after puberty and spending most of each day trying to eat animals without being eaten by other, bigger animals. We also had to procreate as much as possible in time to leave something behind to carry the torch of humanity after our inevitable violent deaths.

So it truly stands as a testament to the human spirit that one of mankind's earliest inventions, and definitely one of the most time-consuming ones, was a big ol' dildo. Juraj Liptak. The first undeniable ancient stone orgasm hammer was discovered in southwestern Germany inmeasuring a muscle-clenching 20 centimeters. The historical community still prefers to refer to these stone dongs as "Ice Age batons," which is adorable.

This wasn't simply some religious fertility symbol, either. By the polish and the scarring of the stone, it's clear it had two very practical uses: making fire with flints and having a good time when the men were a-hunting. So it was a multipurpose tool -- like that back massager Mom hid in the bottom sock drawer. It's important to note that making something rock-hard out of a hard rock was apparently more important to mankind than, say, developing a written language, which didn't begin to appear until about 4, BC -- over 20, years later. Not that making these stone penises wasn't hard work.

Always horny in Maidenhead n more

The level of craftsmanship involved is astonishing. It's a giant piece of polished stone, which is not easy. And it's not just a functional shape; it looks like a penis. Ice Age people making a giant, smooth, anatomically correct pleasure pumper almost certainly took an incredible amount of work hours -- hours that could have been spent hunting, gathering, or having sex.

That's some impressive wang sculpting from a people whose more traditional art was limited to drawing two-legged stick figures hunting a four-legged stick figure. Men and women in love have always been plagued by the same question: "How do I get my crush to notice me, fall in love with me, and agree to make sweet, sweaty love on a bearskin?

You see, if a woman was in love with a man, she would make special bread for him by pressing the dough into her vulva and buttocks.

Always horny in Maidenhead n more

This strange, vaguely disturbing practice was called making "cockle-bread," because the resulting bread looked quite a lot like a clam get it? Once satisfied with the doughy cast of herself, the lady would bake it and present it to the object of her fancy. This was meant to ensure that he would be true to her. And if you think about it, it really is the ultimate test of devotion.

If your crush is into eating your ass-kneaded bread, you know you're in for a magical time together. Jean-Francois Millet. The baking of grundle sandwiches later became a sort of lewd dance. According to John Aubreya 17th-Century folklorist, the dance went like this:. Taylor and Francis. It also eventually inspired ren's gamebecause child protective services hadn't been invented yet. One kid would squat down on the ground with his or her hands clasped underneath them, while the rest picked them up and swung them back and forth against a wall or the ground, chanting, "This is the way we make cockelty bread!

So yeah, the romantic tradition of serving your lover assgina bread somehow turned into a game about a gang of children beating the shit out of each other. Love is truly an ageless mystery. Marcantonio Raimondi. During the hyper-religious Middle Ages, the only acceptable sex tips to give young couples was to tell them to never have sex ever. This didn't exactly do wonders for the sex lives of married couples, who would take breaks after 14 hours of badly growing turnips to fumble awkwardly at each other's pelvises until sex was either finished or they became too bored to continue.

However, at the dawn of the Renaissance, one artist dared to defy the Church by publishing an illustrated guide to sexual positions. Which is another way of saying, "There is Always horny in Maidenhead n more book about goat-men fucking, and it is a priceless historical artifact.

Though the artistic manual only rose to infamy in the 18th Century, it's quite a bit older than that. InRenaissance artist Marcantonio Raimondi put together an extremely detailed guide to all the sex positions a person could want -- and then some.

Always horny in Maidenhead n more

The book was titled I Modi or The Waysand that's about as subtle as it got. Using them both as research and a form of subterfuge, Raimondi drew from Greco-Roman myths to depict the various ways of lovemaking. Of course, plenty of these tales also mentioned some good old-fashioned jackhammering and orgies of varying levels of flexibility. The Church hadn't traditionally given a fart about artists depicting Greek and Roman gods in fantastic shades of nudity, so Raimondi thought he could get away with a book full of Red Shoe Diaries steaminess as long as everyone involved was a deity of some kind.

He was wrong. The book was published twice in the Pope's lifetime, and both times he had it destroyed. Raimondi became the first person to be imprisoned by the Catholic Church for producing pornography, although he was later released with the help of a poet so enamored of his work that he petitioned the Pope to release the artist just so he could collaborate on a new edition this edition was destroyed, too.

Let's be honest, nobody bought it for the writing. Charles Reuge. Back in the olden days, watches weren't only for telling time, but also for remembrance. Girls would carry pictures of their lovers, and fathers would engrave words of wisdom on the backs of their pocket watches before handing them to their sons and dying of cholera. And rich people used them to store images of stone-cold bonin'. Breguet et Fils.

At first, men commissioned pictures of their wives and girlfriends to keep them company during long voyages. Of course, that only lasted for the littlest of whiles before the men's minds started to wander, and Always horny in Maidenhead n more their pocket watches contained nude pictures of every woman but their wives. To be clear, erotic watches are still very impressive works of art -- but the type of art that you hide in a drawer or behind your old science fair trophy. And watchmakers have been asked to build them throughout history.

They definitely didn't stop when, after the French Revolution, everyone got boring and religious again and the owning of such lewd devices was banned throughout most of Europe. This made the watchmakers go underground to peddle their filthy wares. Today, these titillating timepieces can easily go for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and are considered prized possessions in any erotic art collection. So fellas, hold on to that pen with the lady whose bathing suit disappears when you turn it upside down.

In a few decades, you'll all be millionaires. Alan Mays. Before unsolicited dick pics were a thing, 19th-Century men in the mood to sexually harass a woman could just hand her a business card. It was the Victorian equivalent of sexting combined with those Community Chest cards from Monopoly. Innewspapers warned responsible adults of a growing social problem : Young people were flirting.

This was quite a new fad, like the photograph or regular bathing which must be related somehow. Of course, this was still the Victorian era, so the idea of actually approaching someone you fancied and exchanging sexy banter was out of the question.

Always horny in Maidenhead n more

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